


T Minus...

by ownedbyacat



Category: DBSK | Tohoshinki | TVfXQ | TVXQ, JYJ (Band), Kim Jaejoong (Musician)
Genre: Drabble Collection, Jaejoong's journal, Other, enlistment drabbles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-02
Updated: 2015-10-02
Packaged: 2018-03-20 21:55:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 91
Words: 19,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3666651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ownedbyacat/pseuds/ownedbyacat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jaejoong keeps a diary during his enlistment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 640

**Author's Note:**

> I grew up with mandatory military service, experienced it from "the other side", sending off my fiancee and welcoming him home 18 months later. After which we promptly broke up. Watching the run-up to Jae joining up made me remember stuff I haven't thought of in years.  
> So, as a bit of an ongoing writing exercise I'm gonna drabble my way through the next 640 days, on and off, as we get news or the Muse strikes me.  
> Imagine Jaejoong kept a diary...

### 640

A little hungover.  
  
A lot scared.  
  
Standing in a room with a bunch of guys all eyeing each other awkwardly.  
  
It reminds me of my first day as a trainee… only there, I felt even more left out since many of the kids already knew each other and I was the odd one out in more ways than one.  
  
Here, we're all strangers. All equally awkward, equally clueless, and it helps a little. Though not having a fringe to hide behind when everyone stares at you sucks. And my ears are cold.  
  
Wonder what they see looking at me? What they think? I see the same half-scared, half-confused look on their faces I saw in the mirror this morning. We're all leaving our lives behind. For me, it's the third time of walking away and starting something new. Some of the guys here could be doing this for the very first time—and I don't even want to imagine how they must feel. That would raise too many ghosts.  
  
Stepping out of the car and through the gate was hard. Now it's just weird. Like stepping onto a huge stage when you're not sure of your welcome. There's worry churning in your gut, just because you don't know what's going to happen next. In a way I'm grateful I was too queasy to eat this morning. Throwing up in front of a crowd because I'm nervous… yeah, that'd go over well! And thank you, Yoochun. As if I needed that visual.  
  
Getting to hang out with everyone again was nice. There's never enough time to do that and now I'm gonna miss them. A lot. Starting something new is harder when you've got to do it alone… especially when you're a lot scared. And a little hungover.


	2. 637

### 637

3am. This blanket is scratchy as hell. It keeps catching on the tags we were issued on Wednesday morning. Who would have thought that jewellery could be so weighty. An obligation manifested into something I can hold in my hand. Tangible and inevitable. Well, as inevitable as it can be. Right now, I'm still worried to lose the damn things in a costume change. So damn used to stripping to blank canvas... 

4am. You would have thought that living in dorms, and then living with four other guys for years, would have made me immune to someone snoring almost in my ear, but… no. 

Or maybe it's just nerves. First full day of training today after learning how to dress, how to talk and all the house rules. Endless standing in line, being put in groups, standing in line some more… funny what memories that brings back. Then somone moves, the tags clink or catch on something. And memories are just that.


	3. 636

### 636

Why are parade grounds always called dusty? Muddy would be more to the point. And this choreo sucks. Left, right, turn. Left, right, turn again. So repetitive, it wouldn't hold the attention of a three-year-old. And I don't even want to imagine the music they'd come up with. Though drill is very much like dance practice. Precision, coherence, rhythm…repeat, repeat, repeat once more… and getting yelled at when you get it wrong.

There's a lot of yelling today. Some of the guys didn't sleep well. They're sore from yesterday's training, and it looks as if nobody's ever told them that focussing on the pain only makes it worse. I wish I could explain that distraction is the key to get past all that. When you're scared, when you're tired, when you're cold. When you're hungry because there's never enough time to eat, when your feet hurt worse than your heart… distraction is the name of the game.


	4. 635

### 635

Stacks of tests all done and now we're recruits. Not that I feel like one. More like…a snail. Yes. I feel… like a snail. A snail lugging its house around on its back. All my worldly possessions in a bergan. And I have no idea how I'm supposed to get this whole pile of crap into that tiny case. 

Guess that's why we have a class for that tonight. How to pack a bag, advanced military version. Changmin will ace that one without even trying when it's his turn. He used to schlep everything and the kitchen sink in his Mary Poppins bag, so this should be a cakewalk for him.

And talking of cake—no, let's not. Throwing up half-digested cake after an endless run isn't enjoyable. Neither is imagining it a suitable distraction. Designing a new bag… yeah, that might work. Something that can take all my gear, carry itself and look good. This canvas crate is well enough, but looks… no. If I must be a snail, then I want to be a hot one.

Yes, sir, I'm aware that this was a pathetic first attempt at cramming every item I've been issued into this pack. 

Yes, I'll try again. 

And yes, I realise I'll be here until midnight if that's how long it takes for me to get it right. 

As if that was anything new. Really.


	5. 634

### 634

Of all my things I miss my phone. I didn't even bring it inside with me. I knew I would just have to pack it up and send it back home along with my civilian clothes. So I know it's not here, but I keep looking for it, reaching for it to check for messages.

When things got really bad in the past, it used to be my lifeline. When I was bored or lonely, it was a way to entertain myself, to goof around and relax. And I do miss chatting with friends…

Talking face to face with strangers—when that's the only option—is so different. People watch me, stare at me, and talking to them takes more effort. Takes more thought than simply typing a message. It becomes more like acting or being interviewed. Voice and tone and expression and body language and policing what you're going to say… is this why I love to text? Because I don't have to take such care with what I say and how I say it? Is this why it's so easy to misread a text? Because it is just words with all the background emotion stripped away?


	6. 633

### 633

Much of army life seems to be about cleaning. Weapons, bathrooms, hallways, clothes, boots. Especially boots. And weapons. Films really have it all wrong with their images of pristine, well-stocked armouries.

Armoury—my foot. Once you've been given your rifle you don't let it out of your sight. And keeping it in the state it's accustomed to isn't as easy as it looks. Not when they drag you through the mud during physical training. After that it can take an hour or more to get the thing shining again.

At least, cleaning a rifle is sort of entertaining. It's new and intriguing and you have to remember to do things in the right order. Like cooking, in a way.

Doing laundry isn't nearly so much fun. Some of the younger guys here have clearly never been away from home. Some even struggle to work a washing machine or fold laundry. There's something positive to be said about growing up in a large family or living in a tiny flat with a four other guys. There's always laundry that needs doing and you work it out pretty fast or end up stealing each other's stuff.

Boots, though, boots are an entirely different matter. Why the hell do I need to be able to see myself in my boots? We do have mirrors, and seeing we're all running around with shaved heads and makeup is a dirty word… why do we even need those? And yet, every night I do laundry and then sit down to polish my boots until someone can see their stupid face in them.

Well, I suppose it's a career alternative for when I'm done here.


	7. 632

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While Jae's division makes efforts to protect his privacy, there's of course no way to stop news leaking out. And while it's good to know that he's doing well, [some of the tweets I've been reading](http://jyj3.net/2015/04/07/trans-150407-more-army-trainee-familys-accounts-about-kim-jaejoong/) (in translation, mind you, but callous, much?) are starting to worry me. How long will the guys Jaejoong serves with remain on his side, if their families or girlfriends just want to talk about Jae? It's tough for all of them and they all need the support of their loved ones, not demands for introductions and autographs or being told they don't matter.

### 632

Chunnie and I were wondering how long it would take before someone asked me for an autograph. Now I have the answer: almost exactly one week.

Kudos to the guy who came up to me during our lunch break. He's not even in my unit and he clearly wasn't at all comfortable asking. The opposite, really. Only, it seems, his girlfriend is a biiiig fan. And he was clearly trying to please her. Even from in here. 

We dragged him to our table and kept it funny, talking about all the outrageous things our families have made us do in the past. At one point, it got a little too hilarious for our sergeant, but once he'd been told the reason he only made us run a few laps around the parade ground for being excessively noisy.

It's getting a little easier now that we all know our way around a bit more. The guys in my unit can see that I'm no different than they are. I have family and friends I miss, just as they do. So hopefully, it won't get too crazy. Even if I have to buy an extra set of pens before we finish training.


	8. 631

### 631

Blew through inspection without any problems for the first time tonight - yay! Which means we had an extra 15 minutes of free time before curfew. I was just trying to think of something entertaining to do when I realised that all of the guys had disappeared into bed and were out like the proverbial lights.

Kids these days - no stamina!

I think there's a reason they keep us so crazy busy. It tires you out, of course. But you also don't have time to worry about the next test or miss home when you're running around nonstop. Now that it's all quiet… hell, I'd trade a week's worth of dinner for a phone. For knowing whether Yoochun is feeling better after messing up that stunt, or whether he's just plastering on a smile and joking his way through as usual. And I'd love to know if Junsu's spilled the beans yet about his musical plans for the summer and if the fans are going crazy over the idea. I know I did when he told me.

Being so out of the loop is probably the strangest thing about all this.


	9. 630

### 630

_Why did the chicken cross the road?_

Ya. I can't believe that it took me to be thirty before I finally got Yoochun's favourite stupid joke. But today I did, because today…I _was_ that chicken. Racing from one side of the parade ground to the other over and over until my tongue was hanging out… without proper purpose. Just because we were told to.

Until two real chickens fluttered in from somewhere and settled right slap bang in the middle of the space. Now imagine a few hundred guys, all gasping like stranded fish and all staring in consternation at two chickens.

The officer running the drill looked as confused at the rest of us, and why that was so funny I have no idea, but it just cracked us up.

I wish someone had filmed it. We would have won a comedy award, I swear.

Craziest thing was, the chickens showed no sign of wanting to move. They didn't seem to mind being surrounded by us either, stupid birds. Finally, one of the units was sent to catch them and - oh my god I need brain bleach!

Funnier than rehearsal for a slapstick gag… the guys who were meant to catch the chickens clearly had no idea how and the guys next to me, who'd grown up in the country, couldn't do a thing but stand there and gape. It was totally epic.

I've never missed my phone so much!


	10. 629

### 629

The communications class this morning reminded me a bit of college: types and forms of communication, wired and wireless, open and concealed, restricted and unrestricted, body language, expressions… I was fighting to stay awake.

The class after that - sign language - was nothing like college.

I like people who don't mince their words and the instructor was blunt. ("The enemy doesn't have to see you to shoot you. It's enough that he can hear you.") He also likes cats.

And he brought a video to start the class.

Sitting towards the back, I could tell just from the way the guys watched who had cats and who didn't. The ones who didn't have cats, looked where the cat looked. The rest of us turned our heads to where the cat turned her ears. And guess where the mouse was…

We all agreed that cats are great for demonstranting the merits of concealed communication. And learning sign language after that made a lot more sense.

There's a difference between just doing something because you're told to, and doing something because you know why.

In this case, the difference was total silence at lunch while we all tried to use the signs we'd just learned to have a conversation. Laughing without making a sound—and without spilling your lunch down your uniform jacket—is fun too.


	11. 628

### 628

Hand to hand combat. Oh, please, shoot me now! Or give me double the time to practice, because this really, really, really isn't my event.

I have no idea how, but I somehow managed to complete the task we'd been set, though it sure wasn't pretty. Being clumsy is one thing. Being distracted is something entirely different. And after everyone telling me of Junsu's tweet, I sure as hell was distracted.

All I could think about was that Yoochun would hate this as much as I did. And that Junsu wouldn't, of course. He'd wow everyone with his style five seconds after he'd been taught each move. Yunho would sweep enemies from his path like an angry tornado, each swipe and kick precision perfect. And Changmin… Changmin would watch the instructor and then walk away a few steps to practice his moves where nobody could criticise him. Then he'd come out of his corner… fighting.

Sometimes I wish my brain had an off switch. Especially when there's no soju to muffle the pain of missing someone. Or several someones.


	12. 627

### 627

A stack of mail came this morning . Now everyone is feeling out of sorts. There were quite a few sharp words over breakfast, and a lot of confused looks after, until our sergeant took us aside and told us to pull it together.

It's a normal reaction to letters, apparently. Communicating through the online cafe is one thing. Letters are… more tangible reminders, maybe? Reminders of life outside these gates. Reminders that your life isn't just this: commands and replies, training and drill, falling asleep and getting up, running in step, moving in sync, chores and new skills.

Holding a letter, reading the words—even if there's bad news… it makes you remember what you've left behind, what you're missing. And what you're doing here in the first place. Makes you consider all the whys that get lost in the daily bustle. And the regrets, of course… things left undone, unsaid…  



	13. 626

### 626

  
Junsu was scheduled to film his TV appearance today… and I couldn't concentrate on anything all day long. The whole time I've been wondering how he felt, what he might be thinking. I'm sure he was doing just fine, but I imagine it was pretty weird, being back in front of a studio audience after six years.

TV shows used to be the bane of our existence. Especially the live ones at ridiculous o'clock in the morning when we were too exhausted to see straight, and totally incapable of remembering our then woefully inadequate Japanese or our managers' instructions to mind our words. I can't recall how many times we fell asleep in the van afterwards, while being yelled at for something we'd said…

Never thought we'd miss appearing on TV shows, but with the amazing fans we have… well, we got by without.

I still hope my sister managed to pass on my message to Junsu before he got to the studio. Just as much as I hope that he enjoyed himself.


	14. 625

### 625

Going camping with Junsu and Yoochun had been a lot of fun. It was daylight. Even though it was chilly, the sun was shining. There was food and soju and a place to sleep that someone else had set up ready for us. There were funky clothes and a lot of laughter and—of course—a camera crew.

Last night, there wasn't a shred of that. It was dark, and damp and there were ten of us, all exhausted from a long march and hungry to boot. Field rations don't just taste of very little. They don't keep you fed for very long, either.

On paper, during the pre-exercise briefing, it had looked an easy enough task for ten guys to put up a large tent, prepare a meal and schedule a watch rota before going to sleep. In practice it was six shades of fucked up. So we got to do it over. And then again for good measure.

It was past midnight when we were finally allowed to eat our dinner and go to sleep, only to be woken again when it was our turn to stand watch.

The trek home today was three times as long, I swear.


	15. 624

Today should have been a good day. A positive day. We were learning to save lives.

Instead, all I could think about was almost losing one. Yunho collapsing after drinking from that bottle, eyes wide with fear, is one memory I've relived too many times to count. I didn't want to go there again, but when the instructor talked about poisoning... well... all I could see in my head was the vibrancy that's Yunho. The big smile, the bigger moves, the whole boatload of enthusiasm... imagining that gone is...

I suppose push-ups are an adequate punishment for zoning out in the middle of the class and not paying attention.

They were a good distraction, too.

Lower, breathe, push up, repeat.

Push-ups: the Kim Jaejoong patent remedy when things get on top of me. How the instructor knew I have no idea... but it's still working as well as it always has.

And for that I'm grateful.

 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been gagging to find a place for one of my favourite pictures of all time. And a drabble about First Aid is as good a place as any. Not sorry. :-)


	16. 623

### 623

I'm sure one of my sisters had a trick for keeping buttons on clothes. Something to do with a match? Wish I had my phone so I could ask her, because sewing buttons isn't something I've done a lot of. Ripping them off, sure. Though never as comprehensively as today.

Where the hell did I find twelve buttons to tear? And why is it taking so long to put them back? At the rate I'm going, it will be breakfast time before I'm done.

Still, our first acquaintance with the assault course wasn't nearly as scary as I'd thought it would be. Yes, it's crazy. Yes, we all came out with bruises. Yes, we were made to do it one too many times… but still… we all got through it. In my case without buttons left on my uniform, but in an acceptable time. And apparently, I now have two weeks left to improve on that performance.

Right.

Somebody needs to think about uniforms that fasten with velcro.


	17. 622

### 622

Today was a day for Princess Jae jokes. We had a class about camouflage and disguises first thing and the instructor had nothing better to do than to use actors and drama as an example. 

I got what he was saying about completely blending with one's environment. With changing not just one's looks, but the way you move and sound, too. I remember in Dr. Jin automatically moving to check my watch when I was asked for the time. Everyone cracked up and I was so fucking embarrassed I NG'd the next three takes of that scene.

So yeah, I got that whole becoming-one-with-your-background idea. The others… not so much. Lots of lewd jokes, quite a few at my expense, until I asked if any one of them had ever dressed as a woman and tried to be convincing and the instructor jumped right on that. 

It was a fun exercise, actually, trying to think of all the things you'd have to change and monitor while playing a woman. Boobs, hips, heels…not slouching, holding your head a little differently, moving your hips, setting your feet, sitting, standing, manners… and being told that the tiniest details, like forgetting that you're wearing makeup or not sitting down first, are the ones that will trip you up.

I don't think we ever had any other class pass so quickly. And I love today's homework task. I've never tried to become invisible in a wood. Thinking about that will be an excellent distraction.


	18. 621

### 621

I can lose myself in music. I've always known that. And the more I learn about music, the easier it becomes to get lost.

I can lose myself on stage… but only sometimes and losing myself performing takes effort. Effort to relax. Effort to let go.

Cooking's another good way to lose myself. Just pottering around, chopping and stirring and tasting, breathing in peace along with fragrant steam. Or doing push-ups. Once you get past the first sixty or so and the pain and effort just morph into… I dunno, a weird zen state.

I didn't think I could find something else to get lost in, but I was wrong. I can actually lose myself pretty effectively on a firing range. Not even shooting, just practising handling a rifle, lining up targets over and over and over. After an hour or so, when everything hurt, my mind seemed to think I was doing push-ups. And then it was just sooooo easy. And peaceful. And almost… effortless.

They said the army teaches you new things about yourself. They certainly weren't wrong.


	19. 620

### 620

Being thirty. 

It feels like being nineteen all over again. Like packing up and moving to a new country to chase a dream, never mind how out of place you felt. Like not knowing the rules or even the right words to ask for an explanation. Like getting by on water, fresh air and two hours of sleep in every thirty because we're promoting everywhere we can and we're all on diets. Like falling asleep in the middle of a photo shoot. Like…

Yeah.

Chunnie always said that homesickness hits you out of the blue. That all it needs is a tiny trigger. And I guess he was right.

I forgot to salute. 

Then I automatically tried to apologise. 

And when the yelling started I was right back in Japan. Standing in the freezing cold at 4am, being glared at by a photographer and unable to comprehend the instructions he was giving. 

One of my lowest low points, that. But it got better after.

It always did.


	20. 619

### 619

In case you never thought about it, let me tell you that training to be a soldier includes a class on ironing. Now imagine thirty guys in a room, each standing over an ironing board loaded with shirts and holding an iron. And staring at the guy up front demonstrating the proper technique. 

Someone just take a photo… pleeeeease!

Ironing is… apparently… an important part of being a soldier. Just like folding clothes a certain way or wearing shoes that can double as mirrors. It shows that we're a disciplined, well-trained, well-run unit with time to pay attention to details, I suppose. Shocking the enemy with our stylish looks. I know, I know. But when turning up for inspection as if you've just rolled out of bed gets your whole unit into trouble… yeah, I see the point of an ironing class.

I just didn't think it'd be actually painful. This shirt has more creases now than it did when it came out of the wash. And I've acquired a couple of impressive blisters. Yes, I'm fine doing push-ups and running around for hours on end… but now I wish I'd asked one of the many coordis who've looked after me over the years to teach me to iron properly.

It's the little things that trip you up. Always.


	21. 618

### 618

Life in an army training camp is crazy busy, but it's not just all running around, of course. Actually, it's rare to find two days the same, though they're all a mix of classes and physical training, tests and chores. I suppose it stops us from getting bored. And they do have to cram quite a lot of stuff into our heads to make sure we're safe to join our regular units after five weeks of training.

We've only been here three weeks, but they've really thrown a lot of stuff at us already. There's basic weapons training, and classes about camouflage and protection. There's cleaning and gym and practising first aid. There's the assault course and there's drill. With arms and without. We've started going on marches now, too, lugging all of our kit and practising setting up camp before returning home.

And now, there's swimming. Which isn't nearly as fun as it sounds if you have to do it fully dressed. And when you're being timed. Two minutes staying afloat, then six lengths of the pool… and if you don't make time you get to run a few laps around the parade ground in your wet clothes and then retake the test.

As far as incentives go, this is an effective one. Because it's cold out.


	22. 617

### 617

There's a time slot in our schedule for writing letters. Which is strange. I think it's supposed to be comforting, knowing that you have that little bit of time to yourself. In reality, though, it just reinforces how isolated we are from the rest of our lives.

Texting or speaking on the phone is so much easier. Spontaneous. Whether I'm worried about someone, or want to share something that just happened, I can do it right then. Or I can just snap a picture to remind myself. Now I have to hoard news and feelings throughout the day and dig them up when I'm allowed to. 

And that's so much harder than it sounds.

The first few evenings we all sat there, staring almost dumbfounded at the empty sheets in front of us, trying to remember things worth writing about that had happened that day. It doesn't help that by the time our schedule has progressed that far it's almost curfew and you're so tired you can barely see straight. 

So all you talk about is dinner and that you're sleeping well enough, and all the funny little things you've seen, heard and thought of during the day get forgotten. Which is a shame, really, because they're the things you want to remember, the things you want your family to know so they don't worry about you.

I used to scribble down snatches of lyrics on my phone's notepad app all the time. Ready to share with the others, insurance against forgetting things that meant something to me. It's not so different here. There are many things I want to remember, so, maybe, that's what I need to do. Re-learn how to remember things that matter. After all, pen and paper aren't any trickier to carry than a phone.


	23. 616

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**A/N:** Inspired by these pics from the K-drama IRIS._

### 616

We got through PT in record time today. Every exercise was a pass, every task completed in the required time. Not not one single repeat required all afternoon. Which meant we had half an hour play time at the end. So we started a game of five-a-side and barely halfway through the heavens opened.

Literally.

No drizzle. No soft, gentle rain. Instead, it felt as if someone had overturned a giant bucket and we stood right beneath it.

Within moments we were all soaked to the skin. After a few moments more, the football pitch was a quagmire. But that didn't stop us from continuing the game.

We ran around, ankle-deep in goey mess. We slipped and fell, rose covered in mud and kept going. All ten of us, howling with laughter. Nobody could tell which team anyone belonged to. We even had trouble finding the ball in the giant mud puddle we were playing in.

But who cared? It was the absolute best stress relief ever.

I know, I know… it will take half the night to get all our gear clean. And we'll all be tired and cranky tomorrow. But - hell! - was it fun to get dirty!


	24. 615

### 615

Riddle me a paradox. We had our second physical today and despite having to settle in to a new place and new routine, despite all the running around we're doing and all the working out in a multitude of ways… I've put on three pounds!

And I've not even been drinking. Or stuffing my face with ramyun at the crack of dawn because I didn't have time to eat all day. 

Maybe it's because I'm older? Isn't your body supposed to slow down or something as you get old?

Or maybe my mother was right and a regular schedule that includes sitting down to eat is what makes all the difference. It's certainly a far cry from swigging down water while conferring with stylists, or picking through a lunch box between takes in front of a camera.

Though I can't help being a bit worried, too.

If I keep going at this rate, I'll be rolling out of the gate when I'm done with my stint. None of my clothes will fit—except for maybe my boots—and not a single person will recognise me. Not really a surefire way to make a comeback.


	25. 614

### 614

Sharing a room with eight people instead of nine shouldn't make a noticeable difference. But it does and we all struggled to settle, our thoughts with the one who is spending this night in the infirmary.

It was just one of those things that would be a mere inconvenience anywhere else. We were on the home stretch of a long march, going down a steep slope laden like camels, when he slipped and twisted his knee. It swelled up almost immediately and we had little beyond pressure bandages and cold water to treat it.

We were about 8 miles from the base, somewhere in the woods with no chance of calling for help. But there were eleven of us and, after all, that's what we'd been training for. To do things as a team. Working together. Not leaving anyone behind.

Of course he asked us to go on without him… blithering idiot. As if that would have helped. And we all told him so. Told him that if he had the courage to stay behind, in pain and alone, then he'd have enough courage to accept our help. That he'd have enough courage to make it home.

I won't pretend that getting home was easy. And, of course, we didn't make time. But we were less than an hour late and we didn't get nearly as much grief for it as we expected, merely a lecture on the importance of keeping to schedules in combat situations. And orders to take our comrade to the infirmary.

His knee wasn't too badly hurt. But he was sick on the way home—from the pain rather than anything else as far as I could tell—and the doctors were worried that he might have a concussion. So instead of us fussing over him, he's got to stay in the infirmary overnight. And we got thrown out at curfew.

Didn't they realise that none of us would get any sleep this way? Or is this just another way to toughen us up?


	26. 613

### 613

Standing in the rain for four hours as punishment sucks. More than going without lunch. Not only are you wet to the skin after an hour, but the wind cuts right through you, too. What happened to being sent to wash dishes or peel vegetables? I'd do that in a flash. Actually, the guys might appreciate it if I did. The food here's decent, but a few extra chillies tossed into the soup when nobody's looking wouldn't go amiss.

I'd run laps around the parade ground, too. Or do push-ups. But I think our sergeant has realised that making me stand still and silent for a long time is more of a punishment than all the others put together.

Not that I'm arguing. He's right. Both about the need for punishment and about the best way to make me regret my actions. As usual, though, what I'm supposed to regret and what really bothers me are not the same things at all.

I don't regret sneaking into the infirmary to check on Tae Hyun at the end of my watch rather than returning straight to my dorm as I should have done. What I do regret is getting caught on the way back. At my advanced age, and with my long history of escaping busybody managers, nosy reporters and overzealous fans alike, I should be better at sneaking. Much better.


	27. 612

### 612

Being a trainee soldier really isn't that much different from being a trainee idol. Long hours, hard work, rigid schedules, repetition and lots of being yelled at… and results are expected. Sticks and carrots, too. Though the army is much better at allowing a reasonable amount of sleep. And more forthcoming with the carrots. 

Most of our exercises have to be completed in a specified time or with a specified score. If you fail, you do it over until your performance comes up to scratch. But rather than just yell at us and make us repeat everything until we're perfect, here we're offered rewards along the way.

Like phonecalls home. Or cake. Or a snatch of free time for the team, where we can do as we wish.

And while all the carrots remind me of feeling like a trained monkey - which I honestly haven't in years - they also create a bit of competition in the group. Largely friendly, since - for the most part - the treats are aimed at the whole team. There are a few individual rewards and since I've just proved that I can throw grenades in perfect style, I now get to choose who, of all the people left behind outside this base, I'd like to speak to for a few minutes.

No contest, really. Though all of a sudden, a phone seems a truly miraculous thing. And why the hell am I shaking?


	28. 611

### 611

Is it strange that I like standing night watch? It's peaceful. There's time to think and time to remember. At first, I thought it's the lack of quiet time and privacy that makes me cherish it when I find it. But then I realised that I like making sure that everyone is safe. Not that a lot of bad can happen inside a training camp, but still..

This morning, I had the last watch of the night. Which meant I got to wake everyone. There's a rule for how to do that, involving yelling, whistling and bright lights, but our sergeant is fairly relaxed about the wakeup call, provided we're all up and ready when we need to be and our quarters are spotless.

And since none of the guys are as tricky to prod awake as Yoochun or Changmin, I just belted out a few bars of Butterfly instead. With appropriate wakeup lyrics, of course.

That got everyone going, since the acoustics in this place really aren't half bad. I need to remember that for the next time I'm on cleaning detail. Bit of music might make the chores go faster…


	29. 610

### 610

Today was a horrible day. Worst day yet, maybe. Not a single class, just various flavours of drill and PT from breakfast all the way to dinner. I know it's supposed to get tougher as we get to the end of the training, but not this way, surely? I've no idea what's gotten into the other guys today. They were attacking each task as if there were gold bars or early discharges up for grabs at the end and I just couldn't let them down. It's honestly the first time I've felt the extra eight years or so I have on most of them. It's scary, thinking suddenly that I can't keep up when previously I was pretty convinced that I'm in better shape than the lot of them.

Knowing that it's Thursday today didn't help. And maybe it's not so much my fitness, but my mind that I've been struggling with all day. Junsu's TV show appearance is being broadcast tonight and they've scheduled it well after curfew, so there's no chance to see it until someone sticks it up on YouTube and we happen to have free time. Which won't be until the weekend at the earliest… 

Sneaking out is definitely not an option. We're too close to winning the team competition for me to jeopardise that with another stunt. I got off easy the last time because I was showing team spirit. Sneaking into the TV lounge to watch Junsu's music show at midnight doesn't qualify as spirited anything. At least, I don't think it does. 

Not to mention that tomorrow is another tough day. Thirty kilometres over rough terrain with full kit. But I'm trying not to think about that. I'd rather imagine Junsu showing them all how it's done. Though it does bug me to hell and back that I'll be the last to see it…


	30. 609

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **A/N:** How I think Jae reacted to Junsu's EBS Space Empathy broadcast. Keeping in mind that recruits are usually not allowed phones, music, TV or internet access while in bootcamp.

### 609

Thirty kilometre timed march, with kit, over rough terrain. On three hours of sleep and with most of my body still sore from yesterday's PT extravaganza. And I couldn't stop grinning. If they'd asked me to practice the choreo for O-Jung.Ban.Hap at each stop or sing half of my new album at the top of my voice, I'd have done it without a second thought.

I was so miserable yesterday, thinking I'd have to wait until my first leave to see Junsu's TV appearance. Or at least until after graduation. Instead, I was prodded awake at midnight when I'd barely fallen asleep, only to see our sergeant turn up with a laptop. I was dragged out of bed and shoved down into a chair. Then they plonked the laptop in front of my face and crowded around to watch Junsu right along with me.

And boy, did he look good!

But watching it hurt, too.

He was so tense. The smile disappeared the longer the program ran, and he was fighting to keep his emotions out of play. It hurt that I couldn't be there to support him. Hurt, because Junsu is usually the most stoic of the three of us, the most consummate performer. He rarely lets anything get in the way, especially when he has an audience. To see him lose it like that… gods, I wanted to be everywhere but where I was right then. Even knowing that it was a fucking recording, I wanted to be there.

The guys picked up on it eventually, however much I was trying to hide it. But there were no jokes or questions. They simply huddled closer. Nobody said anything when the program was done. We just bowed our thanks to our sergeant and went to bed. I kept hearing Junsu's voice in my head, choked with emotion, and kept seeing the tear streaks on his face and all I wanted was a phone, a chance to talk to him.

It wasn't until halfway through the march that I found out that the previous day's exertions had been part of a deal the guys had made with the brass. If the whole troop passed all tests on the first try, they'd give us a chance to watch Junsu's program.

Only nobody bothered to tell me about it.

So it seems I need to make my own deal one of these days. Just to return the favour.  
 


	31. 608

### 608

Who would have thought that I could be sniper material? My sergeant didn't. I didn't. Not until I realised that I can lose myself on the range even just practising the moves. Then, it became a possibility. Now it seems I can hit any target they tell me to. Quicker and more accurately than most of the other recruits. 

Doesn't matter if I'm standing, kneeling or lying down. Doesn't matter much if the target's 100m away or 300m. Doesn't matter much if it moves, either.

Do I want to be a sniper? I have no idea. I've waved replica guns while filming. A few weeks ago I would have said that playing Hawkeye sounds cool, but now, here….this is something else. There's much more to being a sniper than shooting well. There's camouflage involved - cue the costume and makeup jokes! - and finding hiding spaces, and ignoring any discomfort and being totally still for ages until you get your shot.

According to our rifle instructor, being a sniper is a mindset, not a skill.

Rain went through sniper school, didn't he? Wish I could ask…


	32. 607

### 607

I thought right at the start that drill was very much like dance practice. This now… getting ready for the graduation ceremony… is like dance practice with props. Everyone's tired, everyone's just that little bit less attentive—and absolutely everyone is covered in bruises. You never realise how hard and unyielding a rifle is until you've whacked it a few times across your collarbones. Or hit yourself in the head with it switching arms. Or hit the guy next to you.

And we still look like a bunch of amateurs. Not at all in synch.

Clearly, more work needs to be done, and it'd be tough and tedious, but it feels different now than it did over the last few weeks. It's not longer a feeling of _please let me get through the training_. Now, there's something to look forward to. Graduation, and family visits and then the posting.

That one's laced with apprehension. Starting over with new people in a new place. This time as rookies alongside guys who've been there a while. And yeah, _Triangle_ springs to mind… forcibly… and not just because my fucking bruises hurt tonight.


	33. 606

### 606

We got an impromptu almost tour of one of the big hangars today. Not planned or anything. We just marched past on the way back from the parade ground and the sliding doors were open. A training camp like ours doesn't need an actual car park—seeing how they train us to run everywhere—but there are some interesting wheels on display here when you get a chance to look. 

Bit like a showroom, that hangar. Trucks of all sizes from the every day to those that look like transformers, armoured vehicles in wheeled and wicked tracked flavours, super-cool jeeps stuffed with electronics and antennae. And the tanks, of course. Until today, I hadn't realised that tanks came in sizes. The small ones are… definitely not small. The largest ones are fucking huge!

Missing my car right now. Especially since I've realised that I've not been near anything with an engine for a month. A whole month of doing everything on foot! Just thinking about that is… 

Also makes me wonder if Yoochun would get a kick out of driving a tank. Or if he'd rather climb inside its guts and tune the engine. Which begs the question… do tank engines need tuning? Or am I just too tired to string two coherent thoughts together?


	34. 605

### 605

 _I am… Am not… I am… Am not… I am… Am not…_ Worried about the completion ceremony that is. _Turn. Present rifle. Lower rifle. Parade rest. And start over._

Hours of drill, when you know the steps and the whole troop moves in synch without a flaw, is wearing to hell and back. Like extended dance practice. A kind of torture only someone like Yunho or Junsu would appreciate.

They haven't given our postings yet, so it's all conjecture, speculation, apprehension and very short tempers. Parade drill leaves me too much time to think and speculate. Leaves me moving on autopilot and my brain free to jabber.

The basic training will be over. Which is a good thing, I suppose. I'll get to see my family. I might get to see Junsu or Yoochun, too. Beyond that… lies starting over yet again.

And I've never been more relieved when parade drill was done and the sergeant called me over. Because the only thing - apart from a crate of soju - that I know has the power to stop my mind is food. Cooking it. And he said they'd let me.


	35. 604

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't think of Jaejoong without thinking of food, and I've imagined his team mates doing such a good job of giving him a chance to watch Junsu that he simply has to return the favour. (For obvious reasons, ie. my non-existent photoshop skills, I couldn't put together an pic of JJ cooking while properly dressed. I hope the brass will forgive this.)

### 604

Could I spend my enlistment as a cook? We had that discussion at home before I left and back then I thought it might be more fun than slogging through the mud. At the very least, it was something familiar to look forward to, when everything else was so very much not.

Now I think that I like cooking too much to do it as a job. Is that weird? Or selfish? Wanting to keep something just for myself? Something I can do for family and friends whenever the mood takes me?

Cooking for friends is fun and zen and all sorts of good things. When I first talked to my sergeant, I didn't think they'd let me do it. But provided we passed early inspection, sitting my team mates down and feeding them a special "last-night" dinner was strangely not an issue. And after the deal they'd all made for me, this was something I really wanted to do.

I couldn't make it a surprise though. Not they way they'd done. So I asked at lunchtime whether they fancied a dinner that wasn't mess hall food and… so, yeah.

Actually, it was a heap of fun. They let me have a corner of the industrial sized kitchen and a stove with eight burners. Eight! I felt like a TV chef. The way the guys kept coming over to peek… and taste… and then hung around to talk food… and tasted some more.

I think I made three batches of everything before we got to dinner and it made a lovely looking spread. Only thing missing was the soju. We had great company instead. And the food was barely on the table before it was gone. Can't ask for more of an accolade, can I?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if there'll be a diary entry tomorrow. It depends a little on what we hear, I think. In my experience, completion is a miserable, emotionally exhausting day that leaves you totally out of sorts. And that's just for the families. We, after all, got to walk away at the end of the day. Our boys did not. It's a milestone passed, though, and hopefully the rest of his enlistment will go smoothly.   
> Thank you so much for reading and cheering me along!


	36. 603

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trying for one, regardless, inspired by the pics that made the rounds overnight. If you have some news about the 55th Division's speciality, or see anything about what JJ might be assigned to do... I'd really appreciate if you could shoot me a line, since I'm a bit stuck here.

### 603

If all you have is the stuff you were given five weeks ago, packing shouldn't take that long. So why am I still sitting here with my pack barely a quarter full and all the rest of my few belongings scattered over my bed?

Because my mind's not in it, that's why.

The others aren't faring any better and the brass seems to understand what's going on, since nobody's been in yet to yell at us to move it.

The day went without a hitch. It was nice to see everyone. But now a huge weight's come down on all of us. We've only spent five weeks together, but I'm gonna miss those guys.

Tomorrow… well, change tells us we're alive, right? And I'm not far from Seoul, which is a definite bonus when there's a chance of free time. Home's less than an hour up the road…


	37. 602

### 602

  
Apparently, we were the sorriest bunch of recruits ever to leave the training camp. Or that's what our sergeant told us on the way out.

We couldn't rightly argue, the way we were moping and dragging our feet while the transport was waiting. Leaving the place behind was… unexpectedly weird. Not as weird as all of us suddenly dropping the gear we were lugging and falling into the tried and trusted push-up routine as if we'd developed a collective consciousness. Before cracking up and laughing like hyenas, of course.

Even the sergeant couldn't keep a straight face.

Then there were trucks and a few last waves and insults yelled across the yard… and then we were done with basic training. And we were underway.

I didn't have time to mope, then. Or worry about anything that was coming up. Because before I reported for duty in Yongin, I was allowed to go and see my family for a few hours. And I couldn't get there fast enough.

There wasn't enough time. There never is. I missed them all when we went to Japan, and I miss them now and nothing has really changed. I appreciate them when they're there and miss them when they're not. But most of the time, whether we see each other or not is our choice. Now it's not…just as it wasn't back then. But it's okay. I've learned that it makes no difference to how we all feel. And that's what's important.


	38. 601

### 601

There are advantages to being out of the training camp. I'm not running everywhere, for one… even though that may change on Monday. For the next three days I don't have someone on my case 24/7 and that's damned nice. But the biggest advantage to being in transition is…a phone!!! 

And, man, would I have loved to see Junsu's face when I called him. Shame these phones are too old to make video calls.

I wasn't sure he'd take the call, actually. He wouldn't have known the number I was calling from and it's call-collect, but my dongsaeng has good instincts. He picked up and I got to surprise him.

It was great hearing his voice. I got the chance to tell him about the surprise my team mates had arranged for me, that I'd been able to see him sing on TV. He started to sound a bit husky at that, but when I teased him about it he told me I sounded as if I was on holiday rather than in the army.

That I sounded happy.

And I was. 

Am. 

Strange though it seems.

It wasn't a long call, somebody yelled for me to get it moving, but I can call him again. And just knowing that I can talk to people when I want to is… giddy.


	39. 600

### 600

Still in transition and spending the quietest day yet. We even got to sleep in… sort of. Breakfast was an hour later than usual and after that we could choose our activities for the day. How weird is that? We were told to focus on something that made us feel good, so I went for a run and a workout.

Afterwards, we had to make sure we were packed to leave the following morning and our quarters were spotless. But that still left half the afternoon at leisure. The phones were hot property…. no surprise there… and we drew lots. 

The lounge looked like a dentist's waiting room, I'm sure. One guy coming in, often with suspiciously bright eyes, and flopping down in front of the TV and another jumping up and disappearing down the corridor.

Having a bit of time to catch up felt good. I already knew about Representative Choi's proposal for a new law, of course, but getting the chance to read Chunnie's interview and see the first posters for Death Note… on top of talking to all sorts of people? That was bliss!


	40. 599

### 599

And now I'm in Yongin and trying to imagine this as my home for the next 599 days. So much has changed in my life since March, that the idea of anything stable and constant is a little laughable. Almost as laughable as coming here. 

Honestly, I've driven around in all sorts of wheeled contraptions, but the back of a truck? It was fun, but rather draughty, and very very army-like. We all huddled together as far away from the exit as possible and told jokes. Made the journey much faster.

The base here is much bigger than the camp. Everything seems bigger here, somehow. And compared to the lockers in the training camp, the ones they have here are positively cavernous. So no surprise when I was helpfully informed that I'd been assigned extra space since they expected me to get a lot of fan mail.

The clown didn't get it when I pitied him and offered to house some of his shirts and socks in my locker. Everyone else did, though… so that was okay. There were the usual questions, which I don't mind, and eventually the clown got a clip around the head… after living with Chunnie and Changmin, it was positively lame.

Compared boot camps over dinner. No surprise that mine came out the cushiest. Hyungs, really?


	41. 598

### 598

Boot camp teaches you how to look like a soldier. It gets you into the spirit, helps you get your head in the game. Now… now it's time to learn how to be the real thing, become part of a unit that's fast and efficient and in the right place when needed. Like in the training camp, it's a mix of classes and practical training and PT. And of course, everyone is curious how the rookie's going to cope and fit in.

I told them that it isn't something I'm afraid of. That it's like being put into group after group when you're a trainee until you've met your perfect match. And then you all get to work.

Which prompted questions about what it's like being an idol and why I would even want to do something that means living without a shred of privacy and with everyone right up in my business all the time. It was tricky to explain... somehow… that all I wanted to be was a singer and that everything else—having no privacy in exchange for having amazing fans, for example—is the price you pay for being able to do what you love.

In the end, I didn't have to struggle for words too long. One of the guys came up and put a sheet of paper on the table between us. It was a printout from some news website, reporting that my fans had donated 5 Million Won to Baby Box to mark my enlistment. All he said was that he never knew his parents. And suddenly all other questions over being an idol were moot.


	42. 597

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Praying for the families.

### 597

We're a very subdued bunch tonight, trying to carry on as if nothing was amiss and failing miserably. The news went out at noon, lots of confusion and conflicting reports are bouncing around, and since then we've all been dragging through the motions, wanting nothing more than a space of quiet to reflect.

There are way too many emotions to sort through. 

Shock, of course. This one was very close to home. 

Worry and sudden distrust, which is deep-down disturbing. 

Relief, which you promptly feel guilty for. 

A need to reach a phone and reassure yourself that your family and friends are safe… which is downright strange.

And desperate grief and sorrow for the families of those caught up in the tragedy.


	43. 596

### 596

Lots of PT today. I'm sure they've seen how jumpy we all were, how every break and bit of free time found people on the phone or watching the news channels. The vibe in the base has changed completely and instead of big, cheerful groups there are small, tight huddles of people.

I know what this immediately reminded me of, but that's something I really don't want to remember. So I did what everybody else did: got on the phone to make sure the important people hadn't vanished.

It can't be easy to repair the damage done by something like this, but laps, weight circuits and timed assault course challenges didn't leave time to brood. All done as team exercises, too, however uncomfortable it made us in the beginning. By the time we were piled in a heap, gasping for breath like stranded fish, thing started to look up.

Not in the laughing and teasing way yet, but in the not-looking-over-your-shoulder-all-the-time way. And, I suppose, that's all we can ask for right now.


	44. 595

### 595

At the open ceremony of the Korea Sport for All Festival today. Not performing, just watching. And feeling decidedly out of place. I've only spent five weeks in the training camp. It really shouldn't feel so strange being out and about! But it was. The whole time we were there I was waiting for things to happen and they never did.

Maybe it was being out and about in uniform that made it strange. Not that it was uncomfortable or anything. The weather was on the grumpy side, but it was by no means cold. And I've certainly worn less comfortable costumes over the years.

But that's probably what it was.

In a way, outside of the camp the uniform still feels like costume. Even after almost six weeks of wearing it. And because of that I kept waiting for someone to yell CUT or come up to me to fix my makeup while the rest of the guys were having a ball. What a strange life I've led… right?


	45. 594

### 594

In training camp, the only way to tell which day of the week it was was through the class schedule. And even then you had to work it out. 

Here it's so much easier to tell the days apart. Weekdays are packed with training, classes and chores. Weekends are the days when you have a bit more time to yourself. And when friends come visit.

I managed to fit in a workout and some laundry before the hordes turned up. And with something to look forward to, all the chores went a lot more quickly.

Hanging out with friends is relaxing. No need to watch what you say. No need to put up a front or wonder what impression you're going to make. No worries they'll misunderstand what you say. And you get all the news and the gossip in real time.

So I spent a really nice day. And only felt a little bit lonely when they left.


	46. 593

### 593

Now I know exactly how to screw up! Not one of my better ideas, I'm convinced. And it's definitely keeping me awake. I've been tossing and turning for the last couple of hours and sleep's still as far away as it ever was.

The guys tell me it's due to having had a quiet weekend, and that—after a while—I'll learn to sleep whenever and wherever. But then, they told me a bunch of stuff today. And I learned to sleep standing up a very long time ago. 

So, no. This one's entirely due to my own stupidity. It's just… it might not be as obvious, but this place is just as competitive as the training camp. In the training camp, though, we were all more or less equal. While here, as the least experienced, I'm the most likely to fuck up and let the side down. Which is why I had the bright idea to get the guys to tell me what could go wrong.

Apparently, everything can and will. And for the next three months at least I should resign myself to being the cause of every single fault and failure.

Noona reckons that it was a kind of mental hazing… since I'd been stupid enough to show my concern. She could be right, of course. Some of the stories were rather colourful. But what if she's not?


	47. 592

### 592

They've got awesome gear in this place! In the class on concealment at training camp the instructor talked about countermeasures - but we never got to use them. Here, we do.

Nightvision goggles are cool. You can't see that much—I spent half the training tripping over stuff—but the way they turn everything green is ace. Like a very very cool stage set. We never had mountains in a set. That might be a good concept for our comeback stage. Overcoming obstacles? Climbing mountains to achieve something?

Hey, the army could get behind that sentiment. We could even turn it into—

Yes, sorry… I'm paying attention. 

Yeah, nightvision goggles are cool, but the ones with the thermal imaging… they're just like something out of a movie. Take them off, and there's nothing but wood. Put them on and… hello, sniper! That's pretty evil actually.

Wonder if you could design clothes that keep all the body heat in. So that there's no thermal image at all. Hmm…


	48. 591

### 591

On the receiving end of the fancy goggles today. Concealment training. There's more to it than hiding in the bushes, of course. More than makeup and costume, too. It's all about blending into the background so thoroughly that nobody passing would suspect that you're not a tree, boulder, clump of leaves or whatever else you're using for cover.

Spent the morning closely studying a small area of ground and collecting vegetation. Then we got to make suits and headgear with the stuff we'd collected.

Kindergarten flashbacks - anyone? We had at least as much fun. And looked as ridiculous.

Then came the test. Can you hide yourself well enough not to be found by the rest of the group? 

I'm thinking that Yoochun would be good at this. He'd just crawl into a hiding space, curl into a ball and fall asleep. Yeah, Chunnie would be good at this.

Me… not so much. I'm okay for short periods, but anything longer than a few minutes and I start to fidget as if I'm sitting in a heap of ants. Too much of a giveaway.

Junsu, of course, is bound to fail this in spectacular fashion. Unless they set his test in a wood full of singing trees.


	49. 590

### 590

One of the other battalions came back from survival training last night. They looked dead beat, with a scared, had-the-fright-of-my-life look at the back of their eyes. But the elation that came off the whole troop was amazing.

It wasn't just relief that another task had been finished. It wasn't just the joy that the task had been done well. It was much much more than that. Like the buzz at the end of a dome concert, when you know you've made it through with barely a mis-step, when you know you've connected with thousands of people for long moments at a time, when you're too hot and exhausted and sore and yet you're flying as the crowd carries you along on the crest of a giant wave.

They'd clearly achieved something as a team. Something they'd not believed they could do. And it showed.

This morning, then, our first survival lesson. Theory at the moment, but the instructor's words left an impression: _Survival is the art of staying alive. Any equipment you have is a bonus._


	50. 588

### 588

The only thing they didn't do this morning was take us to the zoo. But it was a fascinating class all the same. Learning how to hide effectively - and staying alive - is easier if you take lessons from the big guys. So we started to study predators. Lynxes today, but there'll be others. Mountain lion, puma, jaguar. And the smaller ones like weasels and polecats. How they hunt, how they hide and even how they move.

I've never in my life paid so much attention to my surroundings before. And I've already come to accept that there's a lot more to stealth than moving quietly.

Wish I'd known that sooner. Sneaking out of the dorms would have been a piece of cake.

And this afternoon… well, it was almost back to the old days. They got me up and singing in front of the whole division. A different vibe from a concert hall filled with fans, but nothing I've not done before. One of my favourite songs, too, so I didn't mind at all.

I wasn't surprised when I found I was enjoying myself. I was surprised to find how much I'd missed singing…


	51. 584

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I've taken a few days out from Jae's diary to enjoy a long weekend. Now let's get back in. And today's entry is based on a tweet from another serving soldier, in which he told about Jae complaining that he put on too much weight. My earlier predictions are eerily accurate, it seems!

### 584

I know you can get addicted to working out just as you can get addicted to drinking or eating or tidying up or… anything really. Even if you wouldn't think so after a day like today. Weekends are more relaxed here when you're not on duty, so come Monday they try and remind us what we're here for.

Today was end-to-end PT. Run, assault course, power circuit, and then crazy games on the drill court. I should be wiped out. Actually, I am as wiped out as everybody else. But that doesn't mean I can stop.

I know why I'm heading to the gym when everyone else is heading towards the nearest flat surface… of course I do. Our last medical checkup says I just keep piling on the pounds. The waistband of my uniform trousers says so, too. And I just can't face the idea of getting fat. Building muscle is easier to handle, so… weights.

Both Junsu and Chun were fucking pleased when I told them how much weight I'd gained. Which makes me wonder: did I really look so hagged? And if I did why didn't they tell me? Or did they and I simply wasn't listening?


	52. 583

### 583

Great morning on the shooting range. Still finding it as absorbing as I did in training camp- and I still have no idea why. But one of the things the army is teaching me is not to second-guess myself all the time. Mostly, what happens is out of my control. And while that used to drive me nuts and into doing stupid things, here I just can't do that.

So you tend to roll with it. Enjoy what's enjoyable and get through the rough stuff as quickly as possible.

Like costume fittings this afternoon. Really not what I wanted to be doing while they got the RPGs out on the range. We could hear the grenades going off from right across the base and I was dying to see what that looked like! But no. I was stuck indoors.

And talking of costumes… yeah, not going there right now. It's tricky to explain to a bunch of guys that we had little control over the kind of outfits they made us wear and make them understand how silly that could get. Just as little control as I have over red cloth and gold trim.


	53. 582

### 582

Seeing how busy Junsu and Yoochun are, I can't help but feel a bit like a fraud. Now that I'm past basic training, life has really slowed down. Or maybe that's the wrong way to look at it. It's not that I'm not busy, it's just not the kind of crazy we've all been used to.

There's a distinct rhythm to each day - something I've never had since I've been a trainee. Getting up at set times. Sitting down to eat at regular intervals. Going to sleep at a ridiculously early hour. Time to myself… 

In a way - it's weird. Weird to know that this evening I'll have time to phone home or phone friends. That I can read or chat, watch TV or write music. And that I can do the same thing tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. I can actually plan things in my head and know the schedule won't suddenly go all topsyturvy.

Some of the guys here are studying, or learning languages. When you know that you have time set aside for it most days, it totally makes sense. Compare that to us all learning Japanese on the run and it's obvious that I should have joined the army much, much sooner.


	54. 581

### 581

I thought they'd taught us how to go camping military style during basic training, but… no. And why can't they give us these umbrella tents that just pop up when you pull them out of the bag? 

Because that would be too easy, of course.

It's so much more fun to watch a bunch of guys get tangled in square yards of canvas and hang themselves with miles of rope. Especially when it's raining or getting dark. We didn't make as much of a hash of it as our group did in basic training, but we were far from perfect with a couple of us newbies in the bunch. If this was choreo, we'd be here all night doing it over and over.

I gave up on learning rope tricks in the end and volunteered to cook dinner. I've always found things more fun when I knew what I was doing and cooking is relaxing. Even if I have to go and find wood and then build a fire. I can do that. And dinner turned out great. Even when the guys suggested that Yunho Chef might have done it better.


	55. 580

### 580

Shaving with cold water really isn't fun. Or trying to get rid of sweat and grime without soap. There's reason in this madness, though. Take ten guys all having a bath in a stream and there'll be soap bubbles floating downstream for hours for any enemy to follow back to find us. Not to mention that the fish don't like it much, either.

Added to that, shampoo and soap are scented. Of course. Why would you buy it if it didn't smell nice? But it's a rather obvious way to sniff out where the enemy is hiding. Some plants, on the other hand, make great natural soaps. They neutralise the scent of sweat and repel insects. And since the mosquitoes had a banquet last night… that's very welcome.

Problem is, none of the plants are ones I would have come across when cooking. I have only a very small, crumpled picture to use as a guide. And I'm standing in the middle of a wood that's - obviously - full of plants. So chances are the mosquitoes will emerge victorious.


	56. 579

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on a tweet from Junsu, where he said he's "feeding a private soldier". The picture is from the tweet. Copyright Kim Junsu (obviously). Borrowed, not stolen. ;-)

### 579

I keep telling him to lay off the frequent colour changes or his hair will crunch like cereal and what does he say? His hair's got two years of total rest coming up, so it's fine. I suppose he's right.

Seeing him is better, even though I can feel the pounds piling on from the spread we shared. It's an all-or-nothing mix like in the old days: duck, kimchee jjigae, fried chicken, pizza... the works. Make a note to run a few extra miles every day next week.

He's looking great. Sounds a bit hoarse, and it reminds me that he often has that tiny raspy edge to his voice while he prepares for musicals. Wonder why that is, before we laugh about the funky version of X Song on the repackage album.

Yoochun is scheduled to enlist at the end of August and we speculate what they'll cram into his schedule between now and then. Junsu doesn't have a date yet. He goes quiet as he talks about it, as apprehensive as I was at the beginning of the year.

My turn to reassure him. I talk about the soccer league to cheer him up, about writing songs and performing and having so much time to himself he won't know what to do with it all.

He looks sceptical, but what can he say when I'm right there in front of him: at leisure, lounging around, getting fat. No hair, no makeup and as fashionable as squid.

It cracks him up, of course. It always does. And we imagine the three of us sending the coordis into horrified silence when they try to fit us into costume for our first comeback stage after enlistment. It will be epic - and I'll be the one with decent hair for once, while they'll probably make Junsu wear a hat.


	57. 578

### 578

Hanging out with the guys here reminds me of hanging out with Chunnie and Su. The same kind of random, disjointed conversations, the strange jokes that sometimes only raise a laugh after a lengthy explanation, the dares and bets and simply goofing around.

Junsu was horrified to find that I hadn't been anywhere near Twitter even though I now have computer access, but then… I have the crazy right here. I go running shirtless every morning… because of a dare. I autograph uniforms and body parts… because of a dare. I've even written a proposal for one of the guys - and if that isn't strange, when I've never written one of my own…

Junsu called it tribute and he's not wrong. But the way I see it, a few minutes of mad are a very small price to pay for more normal than I've had in ten years. And that's the other thing that reminds me of Yoochun and Junsu: the guys I'm serving with can embrace the mad, and then let me have the normal. And I can handle that. Even if it makes me feel a little like something rare that's escaped from the zoo and found a new home on the base.


	58. 577

### 577

When does a compass not point north? 

When your team mates are a bunch of sneaky bastards who've got money on trying to catch you out, that's when.

Not sure who lost the bet this time, but the ahjussi wasn't fooled. I may be the rookie around here - for a little while longer at least - but I did pay attention in training camp. So when I check my calculations as I've been shown and look straight at the sun…. then I'm quite sure that I'm not facing north.

Tough luck, kids. Just because I sing and model for a living doesn't mean I can't do maths. Or geography.

Actually, seeing their faces was fun. Seeing the instructor's face was even better. And the five mile punishment run was fun to watch. Fortunately I had a box of sweet buns in my locker, too. So I could apologise later… for not letting them win this one.


	59. 574

### 574

I had no idea that barracks and schools have so much in common. They're actually treated very similarly when there's a virus on the loose. I imagine that it takes one hell of a teacher to recognise 30 kids all wearing masks, which is probably why they're closing so many schools. Closing an army base isn't really an option. At least, our uniforms have name tags. And we're all adult and responsible enough to watch ourselves and watch out for each other.

Apart from that life has become pretty restrictive. 

All leave cancelled. Some off-base training cancelled. No visitors. Masks at all times - and yeah, while sleeping too! All strenuous exercises cancelled, especially the ones leaving one more vulnerable to infection afterwards.

Good thing there's plenty left to do, even if it 's not survival training or even swimming. Time gets filled up with classes and chores and the shooting range… though they might stop that one if the lockdown goes on too long. Just in case. Or, as I'm told, they might just stop live fire exercises.

Either way, we'll get through this. Most guys here are more worried about family and friends than about themselves. We're grateful we still have the phones.


	60. 573

### 573

I thought I would miss Twitter. But the guys tell me about everything that's going on, so even without Twitter I know that Xiahki is becoming a film star, that Junsu's lounging around on a whopping big boat and calls it working, and that he's run out of colours to dye his hair.

Not that the latter surprises me. What surprises me is that it hasn't happened sooner. Fine, fine, I'm no stranger to the colour charts myself, thank you for pointing that out. And bright hair does make our beloved pocket rocket stand out in a crowd. 

Which makes me wonder… has he tried green yet? I really can't remember.

That aqua colour looks surprisingly good on him, though. I'd love to see him play L. Had planned to hook up with Yoochun during my leave and surprise Junsu, but with all leave cancelled all the schedules are most likely messed up when things get back to normal. Or we might get lucky. I would hate not seeing Chun before he enlists. That's for sure.


	61. 570

### 570

I've always known that food is a morale booster. Anyone who's spent an ungodly number of hours on a freezing cold set getting photographed over and over and over will appreciate a cup of hot soup. Even some weak, disgusting coffee would be welcome right then. And really good food—well…

It's not just eating good food that's a morale booster. Cooking has always cheered me up and made me feel better, even when I wasn't in the mood to eat anything myself. Even now… what happens when friends come to visit? They bring food, of course. And we all enjoy eating it, even if it means spending a few extra hours in the gym the following week.

But did I ever think about nothing but food for a whole day? Maybe when we were all on diets and daydreaming about chilli sauce and fried chicken and strawberry ice cream. And survival class is very different from that.

I love food. I love to cook. But some of the guys in the troop know a lot more about food than I do. I've never looked as food as a survival tool. Not the way I do after today's lessons. Evaluating food not by taste or want, but nutritional value and energy content isn't really that enjoyable. Calories, trace minerals, fats, vitamins… working out how much each food offers, how much effort it takes to find and prepare it and how long you can survive with what you have. It's surprisingly scary stuff.

Food's always been a comfort for me and I'm just a tad worried that I'm going to lose that the more I learn. But then, I had no idea that worrying and anxiety burn calories, that you can literally worry yourself thin. It explains so much, though…


	62. 567

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This diary entry is based off [a news article](http://www.allkpop.com/article/2015/06/military-soldiers-including-kim-hyun-joong-and-park-ji-bin-forbidden-to-leave-due-to-mers-outbreak) stating that recruits completing basic training now won't have their families at the completion ceremony or be allowed to leave their base. Which has to be extra hard!

### 567

The next round of basic training is coming to an end and we're told we're due some newbies. A week sooner than expected, too, since - of course - all leave has been cancelled. And no family visits are allowed for the completion ceremony, either.

I know it's not been that long for me yet, but the guys all say they also remember how much everyone was looking forward to seeing their families at the end of those five weeks. How much it helped to get through the tough last days. 

Seeing colours was what threw me the most, I think. Bright reds and blues. Anything that wasn't drab green or black really stood out. Hairstyles caught my eye a lot, too. And skirts. Lots of little things. And news, of course. We sometimes joked that aliens could land in Seoul while we were in basic training and we'd never even know.

Our newbies won't have any of that. They'll step from one base into another without that chance to just breathe for a moment. So we've all agreed it's up to us to make them welcome. Turn an unplanned hardship into something special. That does sound corny, I know, but the brass are fine with it. As long as we stick to the rules, anything that boosts morale is a good thing.

Meet Private Kim Jaejoong - party planner…


	63. 566

### 566

Today is Yunho's last concert before he enlists. And there was some oddly timed speculation at dinner about whether Yunho might be assigned to the 55th when he finishes his basic training. I could feel the stares from right across the room burning through my uniform, but really kids? I've been playing games like this far, far longer than you lot. 

As if I'd let myself be seen to be rattled by a word or two… 

So not happening.

As for Yunho being posted here? I think it's highly unlikely, seeing how much flak the army got a few years back for its celebrity units. We actually thought of enlisting back when we broke away from SM, but it just didn't feel real. It wouldn't feel real now if they put a bunch of us all together. And I'm coming to realise how important "real" is for me after all the crazy we've been living. 

So no, every person at dinner could watch me as closely as they wanted and I'd not react. I've learned how to do this the hard way… and compared to what we had to do in the past, dinner was a cakewalk. On the outside.

Of course, none of them knew that I'd been reading stuff online earlier. Or that I was quietly sending vibes to Changmin. Making him go solo at SM Town seems unnecessarily cruel. He'll never begrudge Yunho time to promote his solo album or see his family before he enlists, but he's bound to hate standing on that stage all by himself. And that's just…


	64. 565

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've written and talked about this several times before. Jealousy was always something that Jae might have to face while serving. He was well aware of it, too, hence his plea to his fans before his enlistment not to write to him. Clearly, the plea has fallen on deaf ears if [this tweet from his sister](https://jyj3.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/other-twitter-150614-kim-suk-jin-twitter-update/) is anything to go by.

### 565

Hiding in my bunk today after a very early gym session. Should try to get some extra sleep ahead of tomorrow's training, but I can't see that happening. Running the gauntlet of snide remarks and stupid orders just to go for a run or visit the library doesn't appeal either. Staying out of everyone's way seems the best idea.

Weekends - at least the few I've spent here so far - tended to be cheerful. There's banter at breakfast, lots of early workouts and then people either head outside or have visitors arriving. And even though there've been fans parked outside the gates since I got posted, nobody really minded all that much. And I can handle a few jokes.

It's different now, of course. The few waiting fans have become a crowd, it's becoming difficult for families to get through on the phone and the post… well… 

For most of the guys the novelty of serving with an idol has clearly worn off. Add a weekend on lockdown, with no visits, no chance to get out and a queue for the phone and tempers are starting to fray. 

It was to be expected.

It's little use pointing out that I'd asked my fans not to write. I just wish they'd listened.


	65. 561

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Work's keeping me busy and there's not a lot of JJ news, so my updates have been a bit sparse this week… until I started wondering if meal kits in the Korean army (or armies in Asian countries in general) come with chopsticks rather than the fold-together knife/spoon/fork combos. Anyone have any info on that?

### 561

The guys in our unit - especially the ones who have been here the longest and are coming towards the end of their stint - talk a lot about what they'll all do after they're done here. Immediately after and once they're properly settled back home. 

Immediately after… well, there's a lot of drink involved. 

Longer term, some have jobs to go back to. Others want to try their hands at something different or simply start over.

For myself, and even though I know I have a while to go yet, I've decided to come up with a way to make better field rations. That idea may well have been prompted by the last week's exercises, and I'll freely admit that. But whoever thought that field rations were even remotely edible hasn't had to survive on those things for a week. 

Or maybe, once I'm out, I'll just buy up all the army rations and market them as diet food. That would work for a lot of people, I'm sure. You show me one of the dratted packs and I'm suddenly no longer hungry even if my stomach has been gnawing on my spine ten minutes earlier.

Come to think of it, seeing how many people are on a diet at any given time, I'm convinced the army is missing an amazing opportunity to make money. Maybe someone should tell them…


	66. 560

### 560

Uniform in tatters, flushed, scratches down my chest and rope burns on my wrists…. my team mates found a lot of enjoyment in telling me I looked as if I'd been auditioning for a kinky porn flick. Cheap variety of.

Quite a few people seem to have seen or heard of noona's tweet, so things are slowly settling down again. Apart from the stupid comments, but that's fine. I want them to cut me some slack about the fan situation, so I suppose I have to return the favour. Even if some of them consider adult movies are what idols do in their spare time.

Spare time. Right. What's that again?

Despite how I ended up looking when I came out, escape skills training was fun. Of course they made the rookie go first, but I suppose they've all been through it at least once already. And even though I didn't quite make time, I did get out. Which, the instructor was helpful to point out, not all of them did the first time.

So yay - score one for the rookie.


	67. 559

### 559

I know I'm gonna get a lot of stick for it, but I've gotta say it: Junsu looks delectable with that caramel-coloured, choppy hair. I was keeping my fingers crossed for his performance, but it looks very much as if I needn't have worried. Lots of people showed me pics of the final curtain and he looks happy.

Really hoping I get to see it.

Dinner turned into a row of crazy conversations. It was star power this and star power that… and after a while they noticed that I had my head on the table and wanted to know why.

It's so difficult to explain to anyone who's not worked in the industry that it's not really the stars who have the power. Most people see that Junsu can sell out a concert hall in minutes, that Chunnie appears in a drama and the channel's ratings go up and they think it's our power. They never consider that the real power is with the fans. Look what happened to us when we left SM… we should have been history. Dead, buried, forgotten. Would have been if not for the fans. They're the ones with the power. They're the ones making the choice to support us or forget us.

All we can do is hope that the fans will love us. And be grateful when they do.


	68. 556

### 556

It was cloudy this morning as we started training. I found the perfect spot for the concealment exercise and got settled, keeping my fingers crossed that they wouldn't find me too soon. The finger crossing worked. My spot was so perfect, that—come lunchtime—they still hadn't found me. Keeping still, and moving only in tiny increments when I had to, was probably the hardest bit of work I did all morning. 

Not being found is quite an achievement. One with tangible benefits to boot.

We had to repeat the exercise in the afternoon. My perfect hiding spot was still just as perfect as it had been during the morning. Until the sun came out.

I'm either the most unobservant clot on the planet, or for far too long I've had far too many people around me making sure I don't screw up. I never even considered that, with the sun out, a small corner of human-shaped shadow might give me away. Until it did.

I'm told that being observant is a skill. I'll better start learning.


	69. 555

### 555

Computer games and movies have a lot to answer for. Mainly for making people think that soldiers have a sort of free pass when it comes to weaponry, fireworks and mayhem, when nothing could be further from the truth.

You're a soldier. When someone shoots at you, you shoot back - right? 

Wrong.

Just because someone's stuck you into a uniform and handed you a rifle doesn't mean you can run around shooting at anything that moves. Or anything that shoots at you. Not even after you've learned how to shoot your rifle accurately enough to hit what you aim for.

There's a truck load of rules we need to follow. And I mean a truckload. It's no wonder my head hurts after studying Rules of Engagement and learning and practising fire control orders for most of the day.

And no. _For fuck's sake shoot the bastard!_ is not an appropriate or valid fire control order…


	70. 551

### 551

Ah, my secret's out. Vanilla shortbread and cappuccino… for those rare moments of total bliss. Really, noona, you shouldn't have taken that photo. Or posted it. Though I am very grateful for the shortbread. 

Almost as much as I'm grateful for the heart. At least that's precious and can't become any less so through overexposure. 

My favourite shortbread on the other hand… 

Treats are strange things, you know. They work so much better when you only have them once in a blue moon. They're more valuable, more desirable in a way, the rarer they are - and really, you can read into that what you will now. 

I might as well enjoy it this time, especially since I can see it shortly becoming the local currency in this very flourishing barter economy that's driving the base. Food parcels are powerful bargaining chips when you have a base full of guys who are all craving treats while being grounded.

Though I'm convinced that even soju stops being a treat when you're drowning in it.


	71. 548

### 548

  
Not the rookie anymore after the first promotion. Not quite. 

And not feeling quite so much the clown when we're out in dress uniform. It was embarrassing how much it felt like costume. And for how long. The field uniform I got used to in days. The band getup not so much. I suppose knowing that we're performing didn't help. Having to got and get fitted for it didn't help either.

But it is different from costume. It is different from getting ready to go on stage.

We're expected to be turned out to a T all the time, regardless what time of day it is, where they've sent us or what we're doing. And nobody runs after you to check that you pass inspection or all your buttons are done up. We have to do that ourselves.

It's one very good way to train yourself not to fidget when you're uncomfortable.


	72. 547

### 547

Kids. I'm serving with kids. Clueless kids who don't know they're born. There they were, all through the morning's field craft class, giving me stick about using camouflage paint. Then, over lunch, they have to get into an argument on whether girls should wear makeup or not.

As if they even knew the first thing about it. Maybe it was the heat. Usually I keep well away from pointless stuff like this. But today… ah, well. In the end they came down on a no makeup rule for their girlfriends and our subsequent discussion went something like this:

"Explain again why they shouldn't wear makeup?"

"Because it looks gross. Unnatural."

"Really. Tell me something: am I wearing makeup right now?"

Two guys climb half into my lap to inspect my face. 

"No. Of course not."

"And you know that… how?"

Which is how I ended up conducting a makeup class during free time. Just to show them how stupid their comments were, of course.


	73. 546

### 546

So, okay, I lost the bet.

To be honest, I didn't think I would ever win this one, super high stakes or not. There was a small chance that I might get posted to the asscrack of doom without the chance to communicate with anyone outside of the barracks unless I was on leave. I might have had a chance to win it then.

In any other scenario it was always a long shot. An extremely long one. So long that my noonas fell over laughing when I told them. And I couldn't rightly argue. 

Five weeks without a phone during boot camp was purgatory, even though we didn't have a minute to ourselves all day and were dead tired the rest of the time. So even though that time was included in the bet, I never really felt it counted.

So… if I discount boot camp, that's seven weeks without posting a selfie. 

That's not too shabby, right? Even if I did lose the bet.


	74. 543

### 543

They've relaxed the visiting rules, so we no longer climb the walls at weekends. We were all trying to hide it, but that feeling of being shut in was getting to most of us. Being out with the troop during the week helped too, but having visitors at the weekend beats everything apart from the chance to go home. It's more relaxed, there's news you wouldn't get to hear any other way and even the silly hair doesn't bother me so much.

Lots of guys had friends visiting this weekend. The place was positively cheerful and there was food simply everywhere. Like a huge, impromptu party, everything seemed to merge together. It really makes you appreciate your friends. They all have busy schedules, but they take the time to come down to cheer us up.

Maybe that's what army service is really all about: building stronger ties, remembering the things that really matter. We're in here doing our bit, and our families and friends are all doing theirs.

And we had fun. So much fun that this morning's wakeup call came far too early. And waking with a headache when I've not even had a single drink is just not fair.


	75. 542

### 542

Standing watch in the rain could be considered… miserable I suppose. It's also incredibly peaceful. Makes me think of the times when being out and about at 3am was normal - and not in the fun way. 

Even cities like Tokyo and Osaka wind down a little in the small hours. They're softer then, less real in a way. Older too, with memories weaving through the air like fine mist. But when you've been awake for almost thirty hours practising singing, dancing and Japanese, when you're hungry and can't do anything about it because you're on a diet, and you're standing there shivering in the brisk chill… then you just tend not to pay attention.

Here, I have all the time in the world to pay attention to the quiet. The last hours before dawn are the best. There's trust in the way a camp sleeps, just as there are memories when a city winds down. And to those of us who watch over it… it feels like a privilege of sorts. Like watching a baby sleep.

Warm summer rain makes this more enjoyable, I'm sure. If I stood here in December, I'm sure I'd not contemplate the peace of the night. I'd be counting the minutes until I could go inside and get warm. But it's summer right now. So who says I can't enjoy my duties?


	76. 541

### 541

I'm used to living under a microscope. I'm used to living under a microscope. We all are and I keep telling myself that over and over. I'm used to living under a microscope. I'm used to being on display 24/7.

Sometimes it would be nice if I could be in public from sunrise to sundown and just be myself. It would be nice if I could do or say what I want without considering first how it will reflect on the others, on the company, on the way people see us, see me. On the way people judge us.

Keeping my face blank and my mouth shut is especially tricky when people shove news in my face. Yoochun having dinner in some fancy ramen place after filming. Junsu gearing up to battle cyber bullies. Yunho enlisting in a fortnight. Changmin passing his police exams. Sometimes, hiding under a rock or becoming a hermit on a mountain sound like a great idea.

I want to react, but then… is it unreasonable to want to keep just a tiny piece of myself just for myself?


	77. 540

### 540

What with MERS, being stuck inside and having to wander around with a funny haircut when we do get out, I've noticed that the shiny is definitely wearing off. Today I can say: One hundred days done, five hundred and forty left to serve.

Boot camp passed so quickly, I thought the rest would be over before I knew it too. Now I'm slowly coming to realise that it's not gonna be that fast. Even with new things to learn and unfamiliar things to do, there will be times when this will drag. For all of us here. And ways to cope with the drag are as individual as every guy here.

The more senior guys count from leave to leave even when we're allowed to see friends or go out at weekends. They're telling me it's not the same as being away from it completely.

Now I'm gonna find out whether they're right.

First leave to celebrate the first hundred days.

I'm determined to celebrate in style. And worry about the remained five hundred and forty days when I get back.


	78. 536

### 536

Leave was over far too quickly and yes, going back in was tricky. They'd all warned me and I was prepared to find it as hard as packing up and moving to Japan the first time around. Only… it wasn't that bad. After all, I knew what I was stepping back into. I even knew my schedule for Friday, so there were few surprises.

Though I think I get now why some of the guys trudge through the gate as if they're bearing the weight of the world on their shoulders when they come back. Restrictions. That's what most people can't handle once they're settled here. Not being able to go home for their parents' birthdays, not being able to rush out and help should help be needed. Getting news when it's old and cold. What it really all comes down to is not being able to decide for yourself.

Maybe the training I've had and the life I've lived has prepared me a little better for handling this. Living in dorms isn't so much different from living in barracks. Living to tight schedules of practice, appearances and training isn't that far different from army duty. Being away from your family and under a manager's thumb isn't any different from being ordered around as part of a unit.

We've lived like that for so many years I'm used to it. Maybe it's time to pass on some of the tricks I've learned to the clueless kids to make it easier on them.


	79. 534

### 534

I could just say that it's been one of those days, but that wouldn't do justice to the endless string of mishaps. It started with shoestrings. Broken ones. Then my breakfast decided to join in the fun and decorate my field uniform, promptly turning the morning into a mad dash to get changed before reporting for duty.

Then PT in the rain. And another mad dash to get changed to make sure I got food into my stomach this time before the afternoon classes. Which involved paint. Paint that seemed magically attracted to me.

I've rarely felt so much like a toddler. And I'd never been so glad when we were done for the day. 

And now this.

When I find out who left their new black socks in the washing machine, I'm gonna starch all their underwear and make them wear it during assault course training! 

As if the day hadn't been crazy enough without having all my white t-shirts coming out of the wash in various hues of grey. And no chance to go out and get new ones until the weekend. Thank creation for khaki t-shirts that don't grab stray colour. At least I can keep looking presentable, even if the things are a little baggier than I'd like.


	80. 531

### 531

So Yunho is joining the shaven-headed throng next week. Wonder how he feels right now. Keeping too busy to think much, most likely, what with promotions, all manner of final meetings and an album release. It's surprising, really, how much stuff there is that needs taking care of when you might not get the chance for a while.

For most men here, stepping through that gate isn't easy. Yeah, there are a few who see it as a way to make a fresh start, an alternative to a life that's too shitty to contemplate. But most of us have too much to leave behind, too much we're worried to lose, to come here with a light heart.

Yunho and Changmin are so close…he's bound to miss that. He's not going to miss the insane schedule they've been working to, I can tell him that much. Boot camp is tough and you have barely a moment to yourself, but it's a far cry from the pressure generated by a tightly packed concert, recording and promotion schedule. 

He'll do well here. Physical exertion has never bothered Yunho. And he's stubborn as an oxe when he wants to be. Yeah, he'll do well…


	81. 530

### 530

There's never enough time when you're on leave to do all the things you want to do. It matters little whether you're on leave from the army or got a rare day off from rehearsals and promotions. Between seeing friends and catching up with family, your free time is gone before you know it. 

So it's good that we have quiet time here at weekends. And that noonas have packed me a bundle of fan letters to bring back and read, knowing quite well that I wouldn't get a chance to do it any other way. They'll bring a bunch with them every time one of them comes to visit and the guys have started to look forward to them as much as I do.

Not because they particularly want to read my fan letters, mind you - however sweet they are. But for the obvious entertainment they offer to us while we're stuck in here.

I think it started with an exotic looking stamp on one of the letters sent to the band that one of the guys ended up drooling over. He's a collector and for the next hour we got a lecture on rare stamps and how to treat them. He almost wept when I offered him the bundle of envelopes to see if there were any he fancied.

The next time letters came it had been raining and some looked rather battered. We couldn't go out, and TV wasn't an option, so we started calculating the total distance all the letters had travelled to get here to amuse ourselves. It was a small bunch of letters by my standards, but the mileage total was friggin' huge!

Which brings us to the latest game. The one that has everyone waiting for my fanmail. Don't tell the brass, but the guys in my unit are running a book… how many miles did the most widely travelled letter cover to get here? They're damned serious about it too. Postmarks and GPS and Google maps and all that jazz... I hear the pot of winnings is substantial.

And since I have no idea how noona makes up the bundle of letters she sends, and there seems to be no shortage so far, we have a lot of games yet to play.


	82. 529

### 529

  
Lying in my bunk watching Changmin being princely. The guys said the drama was good and my noona loves it… and now I really want to call Changmin and ask how much that funky beard thing itches.

And how many dirty pictures he had to draw from experience to pass the audition.

He said that with such a straight face, too… It was priceless.

No blush, no red ears. He didn't even drop his gaze. And here I am, remembering him getting all embarrassed when he was asked about the kind of girls he liked. Makes me feel old, watching that.

We really need to convince Junsu to do period drama one of these days. He's at home in the weirdest costumes, so hanbok shouldn't be a stretch for him, right? If they make him a wandering minstrel, he could even sing his lines. That's it. He's the hottest minstrel going and all the courtesans are swooning over him, until he starts shaking that duck butt at inopportune moments and gets into trouble with the noble husbands and lovers who find him as appealing as their womenfolk.

Now there's a dirty picture for Changmin to draw…

And I'm simply genius at devising award-winning drama.


	83. 527

### 527

Getting shot at isn't exciting. Not even when you know it's a training exercise. When you've been told what is happening and how you're supposed to react. When you know that there'll be noise and smoke, but no actual bullet holes.

Even then, getting shot at is darned scary.

So scary, in many cases, that you freeze where you stand while your brain sorts out what's going on and decides what to do next. Even when you know exactly what you're supposed to do. When you've spent the last two hours practising each move. As soon as the mayhem starts, your brain calls a timeout.

I didn't think it would get me like that. A concert stage isn't quiet, after all. But I stood around just as clueless as everyone else for a few seconds longer than we all should have.

Which, given the way the army works, means a few more hours of training for all of us. At least until our brains stop worrying.

I wonder if wearing ear plugs would make a difference to our reaction time?


	84. 526

### 526

Today's training was scarier than yesterday's. 

Yesterday, we were a unit under fire and had to learn how to deal with it. For the most part, that means ignoring the noise, not thinking about the fact that someone is trying to kill you, finding cover, making sure you and your comrades are protected and focussing on the objective.

Today we were individuals under fire and had to decide whether we were the target or not. And whether to retaliate. Or not.

The moment our instructor added those last words, our faceless opponents became human. I couldn't see them, but all of a sudden there was not just a punk with a gun, but a man with a name and a family. And yes, he was shooting at us - at me and the comrades I had vowed to protect.

Still, deciding whether to use terminal force or find another way to stop the man from attacking us took a surprising amount of time and effort. For every single one of us. And yes, we do need to be able to assess situations much faster than that.


	85. 525

### 525

  
TV appearance. The guys, by now all caught up on our broadcasting issues even if they'd never heard of us before they enlisted, wondered if I was chuffed to be on TV.

And fell over laughing when I explained that it didn't feel any more real than being on TV doing drama. I was in costume, wasn't I? So were all of them, come to think of it. And we were all playing the role of dutiful soldiers, prodded this way and that and made to look good.

Which, of course, led to a discussion of why there was all this fuss about us not being on TV. Makes me want to roll my eyes, but how are they to know, really? The ones who had business or marketing jobs before enlisting got it without me having to explain, but some of the guys here enlisted right out of school. They've never even had a job yet. So how are they to know how tricky it is to promote a product with your hands tied behind your back?

So I compared it to Samsung launching the most advanced new phone and not being allowed to tell anyone. How would people know the phone even existed? How would they find out what it could do? Or where they could buy it? That seemed to get the message across.

Most had never considered music a product, I suppose. Truth be told, most days I don't either. Music is something I do, something I am. Packaged albums on the other hand…


	86. 524

### 524

Pulling weeds is quite a step down from being shot at on the training ground. Right now I'll take it, though. Allows me to keep my head down and hide the colour in my cheeks. I don't need to see it to feel the red burning there.

The guys are rolling around laughing and I want to punch something. And all over a stupid tweet. 

I know my family were worried about me when I enlisted. That they waited for news to hear how I was doing. And while sitting around a table writing letters was weird after being used to phone calls and texts, we all did it. I can't imagine making my first letter home something as meaningless as a random person's autograph. Neither can I imagine his parents finding it as funny as that tweet implied.

I said so, too. And the answer I got all but floored me.

_What if it wasn't meaningless to him?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on this [Twitter comment.](https://jyj3.wordpress.com/2015/07/24/other-twitter-150724-military-service-account-about-a-soldier-who-enlisted-at-the-same-time-with-kim-jaejoong/)


	87. 492

### 492

I didn't think I could ever be jealous of Junsu and Yoochun. I think I am, though. Or is it envy rather? Whichever it is, it's a miserable feeling. Like a gloomy cloud that hangs over me whatever I do. So much so that the others have noticed.

They know it's our membership week, of course. And they can tell that I'm chafing at the bit, wishing I was there. It's not that I think the time spent serving in the army is wasted. I don't. And it isn't. It's just that we wouldn't have come as far as we have without our fans. They've been such a huge part of our lives for so long that we should all three be there to show our appreciation. But I'm stuck here and so Junsu and Yoochunnie have to work extra hard.

Especially Yoochun, who's joining the ranks this week. 

And next year… none of us will be around and then what will happen?

I don't think that our fans will forget us, or turn away from us, but not being able to share at least a part of us with them is tough. The toughest part of the road yet.


	88. 491

### 491

Odd, individual items, when combined in the right proportions, can come together to create something amazing. Spices when you cook. Medicines or even explosives. Music, too, of course. Add just the right voice to a group or just the right harmony and a song will soar. That's how I've always felt about us when we were together… the right ingredients in just the right combination.

Even when you do your best to separate the pieces, you can't. 

Or that's what I'm telling myself.

Got to call Chunnie before he left for his training camp. I'd have preferred to talk to him in person, but there was no chance of that. He wasn't mad at me for not being there. He had family and friends around him on his last evening. I kept hearing Junsu's laugh in the background. Not quite as bright as usual - or maybe that was just the phone - and I kept it together until we hung up. At least I hope I did. 

I didn't want to worry Yoochun, today of all days. He needs to focus.

But who's going to be there for Junsu the night before he leaves? They were both there for me, back in March. Junsu was with Yoochun last night. Both of us will be tied up with our duties when Junsu enlists unless we are very, very lucky. We should have enlisted together, all on the same day…


	89. 487

### 487

When I enlisted I'd sort of resigned myself to losing music for a couple of years. I was maybe hoping for the chance to write lyrics in my free time, if there was free time. I didn't think there'd be the chance to sing, and as for performing… I'd given up on that idea entirely.

I certainly didn't expect to be steeped in so much music while serving my time. 

It's weird, and disconcerting.

But it's real.

Since March I've done auditions, rehearsals, performances, more rehearsals… and if I hadn't been wearing uniform, or had come straight from my regular duties, I could have pretended that nothing had changed. Almost nothing that is. Costume and makeup take much less time these days, even for a concert!

It makes for a weird military experience, though I'm sure Junsu would love it. He glows the moment he sets foot on any stage. I think the brass will fight over him. Soccer league or military band? Jerseys and football boots or scarlet and white?

Rumours this morning said that Yunho's been placed in his division's military band. Scarlet's always been more his colour than mine, though I dare him to dance in those boots!


	90. 481

### 481

Some things you can never get away from. Even if you wanted to. Which I don't. The past is the past for a reason and I've never regretted what we had and what we did.

Still, doesn't mean it's not awkward at times. I was buying snacks at lunchtime when one of the guys told me he was a TVXQ fan. To which I had to point out that I'm JYJ. 

Sheepish grins all round. A bunch of handshakes and requests for autographs. And before I knew it we had us a mini fan meet, right there in the middle of the garrison. I couldn't get much more embarrassed, really, but after relying on our fans for so long it's practically a habit and—as one of the guys from my unit pointed out very helpfully—the first guy could be forgiven for his slip if he'd ever seen me without a shirt.

It helps that those around me the most do get me. My sister suggested I explain and while that was awkward with a capital A, it seems to have done the trick. So I passed on her advice to Chun and Junsu, and when we got back from the store I called Junsu to get out of that hole.

He had Chun pics to cheer me up. Really ace Chun pics. Yoochun's been going around with short hair for so long, I didn't think his look would change much when he enlisted. But boy was I wrong! On the photos from his enlistment ceremony he looks like a never before seen species of adorable chipmunk. And those were Junsu's words, not mine. Though chipmunk is close enough.

The crew photo is something entirely different, of course. That's Yoochun acting to the hilt. I wonder why he felt he had to play a role.


	91. 454

### 454

The worst thing about serving in the army? Not being able to go yell at people when they need to be yelled at. Yes, I know, it's hot and we're all tired and tempers were fraying a bit during the last minute preparations, but I really want to have a few choice words with the nitwit who decided to announce Junsu's album release date today of all days. 

One of the guys - his sister is a big Junsu fan - told me his concert sold out in something crazy like ten minutes and the booking website died under the onslaught. It didn't surprise me in the least. Not that the fans love him, nor that they want to see him before he heads off to the army too.

So why couldn't the company time the announcement so it wouldn't coincide with the opening day of the festival? It's as if they didn't understand how the fans work! And I know that's not true.

Yeah, I want to go have words on Junsu's behalf. But, of course, behaviour like that would be unbecoming to the uniform I'm wearing. Or something. I can't even get to a phone and yell at someone while we're here.

And, for fuck's sake, keep the noise down! There are a few of us here who are actually working during this festival and we really could do with some sleep. Especially since you all had fun last night while we were burning the midnight oil getting everything ready… People, aish!


End file.
